Why I am blogging

Tonight for the first time in my life, I felt extreme loneliness.  As I got out of the shower and was drying myself off, the thought hit me that I don’t have close relationships with my parents and with many people. I couldn’t even find a man to love me, to stick around and to fight for me.

As I stood there alone in my bathroom, I realize that I need to give up trying to find someone to love me.  The way I am going about the idea of dating, is not working and I need to try something different.  I need to take a long break, possible for the rest of the summer, to find myself and reinvent the person I should be.

But I am lonely and that is my struggle.  It’s scary to be in your 40’s and to picture that you have never been married and you may never have the joy of walking down the aisle, while the man who loves you is waiting and watching you approach.  I know that I need to be at peace with this possibility.  I am not there yet.

My loneliness forces me at times to revert back to men that I know is no good for my soul, but they quiet the silence for some time.  Back to relationships that never worked, but somehow, I have convinced myself that this is the person that a relationship could work with, although, it never worked the first time around.

I don’t like to be alone, I need to be with someone, and at times, anyone.  The best part of this, is that I know all this, intellectually.  I just need to convince my heart, that it will be ok, to wait through the summer, before, it thinks about finding someone to love….again.

This should be interesting.

Lonilness

Day 6-Mothering

Today and went to work and I was reminded of a few things.    The idea of mother-blame is heavily rooted in the mindset of women/mothers and the professionals who work with them. Mother-blame takes the focus and responsibility off social solutions and places blame on women who are already a marginalized group. Many times, women are blamed for things beyond their control such as their childhood experiences, an abusive partner, lack of proper housing and a community with less than acceptable resources and services.

Our society simply has difficulty holding our social structures accountable for some of the social problems that exist for its people. We have lost sight that mothers are women with their own subjective realities and have alternate identities. The women in my community all live in one world, there may be some things in their world which are common, but the only thing that they can hold as real are their own experiences, opinions and perceptions.

It is important that those experiences, perceptions and opinions are understood and respected. I find it unrealistic to expect all women to be perfect in caring for their children. Furthermore, there are so many different types of mothering that should not be compared as being better or being worse.

There are so many competing factors that prevent women as mothers to care adequately for their children. Some mothers abuse drugs and/or alcohol, some neglect their children, some live with intellectual, physical and mental limitations, some live within the confines of their childhood experiences and many live in severe poverty.

Society has judgments of what are acceptable behaviours by women towards their children. Mother’s/women often bear the blame and burden for the behaviours and actions of their children.

When a child is abused, the mother is often blamed as the assumption is that she should have known what was happening to her child and should have protected her child in better ways. At every level a mother’s capacity is in question as she is investigated and sanctioned for her actions or inactions.

In my field I have heard other professionals say that, the system can not pity mothers and put the needs of their child second and children need to be believed at all cost. What is often forgotten is the reality that these women/mothers change significantly when they become mothers and as everyone knows, there is no guidebook that they can use. It is important that the women get a chance to tell their stories about their past, their present and their future. It becomes imperative that their experiences of their world is understood and they get completely lost in the process of raising their children.

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I have come to realize that I lack the opportunity to really listen and respond to the experiences of the women I come in contact with. I have watched many women break down in front of me as they are reliving some traumatic experience that have brought us together.

It is important to me that the person sitting in front of me is given another chance to make better decisions for themselves and their children. I believe that our society must stop placing blame on a mother who leaves her child with a neighbor she hardly knows so she can go to work. Instead of judging that mother for her poor choice, we need to voice our concerns why affordable and universal child care is not already a reality in our country.

Some women have to mother their children in impoverished condition and have the economic costs of raising their children, sometimes not receiving child support from the fathers or enough financial assistance from the government. Having children can often put a halt to a woman’s education and/or career goals as they have to take time off to raise their child, struggle to secure proper child care or find a place that is affordable and appropriate.

The treatment of women in our society is the most primary form of social oppression and social injustice. It is quite possible that women have been the longest standing oppressed and marginalized group of people in our society. Women are often denied equality in the legal, political and economic arena and these become barriers to social justice in their lives. The reality is that some groups of people are rewarded with these same laws, policies and services that force women to the outskirts of society.

In order to make changes to the lives of oppressed individuals, privileged groups of people need to acknowledge the societal barriers that are present in their communities. In addition, they need to voice their concerns of oppression and challenge those in power to take notice of the conditions that trap individuals in a life of poverty and helplessness.

Some individuals make huge salaries and other individuals live paycheck to paycheck. People are working longer hours, being paid less money and part-time and contract work is ruling the labour market. For women, there is a reality of lower wages, limited employment opportunities and single parenthood. Also, their work in the home is not measured and not valued in financial gains.

In addition to this our government fails to take seriously the high rates of poverty, unemployment, unfair pay equity, lack of access to child care and many other important social issues. It is important that all people have a social responsibility to advocate for proper policies and programs that ensure equality and solidarity of all citizens.

Day 4- The phone call

Last night, my ex boyfriend whose heart I broke and stomped on called me.  We spent 2 hours and forty minutes on the phone talking as we used to.  I have never been a woman who is comfortable being vulnerable with a man.  But last night I was with him in many ways.

I told him I was sorry for how I ended our relationship and how I behaved throughout the separation.  I admitted that I felt or feel that “I am better than he is.”  He told me that he knew that and we needed to put it on the table.  I apologized for hurting him and acknowledged my role in the breakdown of our relationship.

He asked if my kids have asked about him and I invited him over to hang out with us.  He declined the invite for the moment and said, “one day at a time.” He told me he was hoping his mom would move in with him because he was worried about her.

We chatted about work, life, our families and our friends.  I don’t really know where our conversations are heading, but it felt safe to laugh and joke like we used to do.  I have missed him and he has missed me.  Last night reminded me of why I had fallen for this man and why I had left him.

This morning we shared a few morning texts, he ended the conversation by telling me I was special.  It made me smile.

It’s possible we may go to a baseball game this weekend, he will let me know.  Right now he is extremely guarded with his heart and I understand the reasons. I don’t blame him at all.  After all, I am planning to go to England for work.  Maybe.

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Day 3- Lazy Day with my television set

I haven’t done much today, except sit on the couch, nursing my sore neck and catching up on How to get away with murder. I really love this show, because it keeps you on the edge of your seat for every single episode as your drawn into separate criminal cases and the bigger story line of Annalise Keating and the five law students.

How to get away with murder, portrays Annalise Keating as a confident, powerful and intelligent black woman.  Annalise has had a horrible childhood, which has haunted most of her life but she has had the ability to still become a successful lawyer.  As a black woman, with my own past that haunts me I am proud of how she is represented on this aspect.

However, all of the above positive aspects of Annalise can be overshadowed by her overly sexualized and angry personality.  Further, she is seen as having a sad past and her character is questionable. Annalise just continues to hurt the people around her and she has a way to get people to do things she wants them to do.  Bad things…like killing people. In some way, she has all these once innocent people in her hands, willing to do anything to keep her safe and out of jail.

Even with all this, Annalise is viewed as unlovable, cold hearted, angry and unable to love anyone but herself.  I am currently watching the end of season 3 and I am not sure if Annalise is good, bad, or indifferent.  I love her character and the label and status she has given to black women on the screen to be seen other than a maid or a prostitute.  In it’s own small way, How to get away with murder inspires black women to dream beyond their expectations, limitations and stereotypes, to see a better representations of who they are.

 

 

 

Day 2- It’s raining

It’s raining outside and it’s a long weekend.  My daughter is getting on my last nerve because she failed as a infant to learn to soothe herself, so she depends 100% on other people to do it for her.  She is always looking for me to entertain her and if I can’t do it, then she needs her friends to do it.

I am thinking that she will be going to bed early tonight.

I got my very first android box and I have been literally overwhelmed by all the movies that are available.  Tonight, I will be watching Million Dollar Baby.

All things aside….my ex texted me and we had a conversation about starting a business in Jamaica.  He also told me that “I have his attention.”

Day One- Have a little faith

 

Today I woke up at 6:30am with a small migraine. It’s been lingering around for the past few days not getting any worse and not getting any better. I didn’t want to get out of bed, not because of the migraine, but from the fact that there was no sugar for my coffee, and it was way too early on a Saturday to crawl out of bed and start my day.

I picked up my phone and scrolled to see what people were doing on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. As I lay there, looking into the lives of people who seemed more together than I felt, I reminded myself that I was on a new journey to figure a few things out.

I put my phone away and just lay there quietly, with a million thoughts going through my head. Should I text him and break my silence, should I compose another online profile, should I give up dating like I decided, or ignore my intuition and put myself out there to be hurt again.

I have conquered some big battles in my lifetime and I knew I could conquer this one in front of me. I survived childhood sexual assault and rape, I survived an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey, I survived an entire year of unemployment and currently living underemployed with a degree and college diploma (but that is an entirely different post).

Of all the huge mountains I have travelled and climbed to the top, this one….the sabbatical from dating and men will be my biggest and greatest challenge ever. I don’t like to be alone.   It feels scary and it feels wrong. There is so much external pressure to be “a couple”, to “be married” and if you are not, there must be something wrong with you.   Is there something wrong with me?

It’s not like I haven’t had men who loved me. At least three men, without a doubt loved me and wanted to be with me. There was always something about these men that wasn’t enough for me. My longest relationship lasted 17 years, but after years of violence both physically and emotionally I had to leave. Leaving put me at greater risk and over the course of the first year after our separation, when the fear of being alone would peep it’s ugly head, I would go back to what was familiar, but very unhealthy. In the end he eventually moved on.

The second love I dated was well established, but fresh out of a financially devastating relationship. He was so bitter at his ex wife that I questioned if he was still in love with her and was upset it was she who left him. He loved me and I think he still does, although he tries to hide it with apathy. I broke it off with him callously. I hurt him and although I went back to him on two lonely occasions, we could never get past the pain I had caused him. I haven’t talked to him in months and I think that I will be keeping it this way.

The last man I loved, dated and hurt was probably the one I loved the best.   The one who right now is on my mind as I reminisce about our time together. You know the saying, “the wrong side of the tracks.” Well he was it. We were worlds apart, although our connection was everything a love affair called for. We laughed together, he stimulated my mind, he encouraged me and he listened. Our intimacy was electric, like no other I have ever had.

But that feeling that he wasn’t good enough, didn’t measure up, wasn’t the type of guy I date would not go away. Then one day, I made my decision and I told him that I could not date him. I said some things that I regret and he cannot forget. A few weeks ago, we tried to make another go of it. I don’t know if I ever loved these men, or I just loved the idea of LOVE.

I realized that I have hurt a few people along the way, and I’m not the only one hurting. Hurt people hurt people. Day one has been hard, and it’s not even halfway over. I am reminded that I need to follow through on this journey, which is in my best interest. I have a little hope, that the future will be brighter as I learn to be alone, to love myself and to find who I am to be.

I have faith, even if it so small you can’t see it with a magnifying glass.

The migraine, still kicking it

 

 

 

The Letter

I can see the paper on the ground as I leave the grocery store.  I am carrying two heavy bags filled with tonight’s dinner for myself and my love.

I wish the girl had been better at packing these grocery bags as she put most of the heavy items in one.  She didn’t even double bag them.

I knew this would happen.  My groceries are all over the ground. The bags broke as I knew it would.   I feel like storming right back into that grocery store and telling that girl, that her carelessness has caused a lot of problems.  I bend down to pick up my grocery and I realize that the paper I had seen a while back is a letter.

I pick it and then I glance around wondering if the owner is close by.  I begin to read the letter.  I can’t believe what I am reading, this man is a true romantic.  I smile as I wish my love could write me such sweet words.  You can tell how much he loves this woman.

I continue reading and I reach the end of the letter.  I stop as my eyes scan the name of the author.  My eyes wait for my brain to register and catch up.  I know who wrote the letter.  The wind picks up and sweeps the letter from my grasp.

THANATOPHOBIA

 

My deepest fear is dying

Any kind of death scares me

I don’t ever want to die

Although, I know that I must die

One day

When I am in my 90’s

When I have lived and loved

But don’t keep me alive on life support because you feel bad to let me go

Just do it, I want you to

I don’t want you to remember me this way

I don’t want to forget you as I drift off to paradise because you wanted me to hang on

I am just afraid of dying

So cover my eyes as I go

Kicking Beauty

Today I woke up and I make a decision.  It will probably be the hardest thing I will have to tell you.  But I have to tell you because I need to get it off my chest.  We both need to be honest with each other. I just can’t do this anymore.

I hardly slept last night.  I was tossing and turning. It was probably the worst night of my life.  Sometime in the middle of the night,  I woke up to find myself on the edge of the bed.  I think I was awoken to the fact, that I was falling.

So, I spent most of the night battling thoughts in my head on how I was going to break the news to you.  How could I gracefully tell you how I felt, without it sounding like I don’t love you anymore.  I played different scenario’s in my head.

Maybe I will wait till you’re in a great mood and we are having a wonderful day.  I just could not figure out the best way to tell you, what it is that I need to tell you.  I imagined the words slipping out of my mouth and the reaction on your face.  I am hoping you will understand how I feel, that I can’t do this anymore.

It’s been six years now, since you and I have met.  They have been the best years of my life.  I was fine with what you wanted, every night, I let you have your way.  But now, it has to end.  I just can’t do it anymore.

I can’t have you sleep in my bed anymore. You have a room of your own and a beautiful bed that I bought you.  When I was little, I wanted a bed just like the one you have.  I wanted a room just like the one you have.  My daughter, my girl, my sunshine you can’t sleep with your mommy anymore.  It literally drives me up the wall.  I spend all night, fighting off your kicking feet in my back, in my stomach and sometimes in my head.  I cannot sleep well, you hog the bed and you push me to the edge.

Tonight, we start something new.  You MUST sleep in your own bed from now on.  I am sorry, that this must end, but last night was the worse of it yet.

Love your tired mommy